We are officially more than halfway done with 2014, and I am so happy to be on the downward slope of this dog turd of a year.
Seriously, is 2014 the worst or WHAT? For me at least, the first six months of this toilet bowl was lined with nothing but bad news, bad luck, heartache, headaches and overall foul-smelling refuse. NOT TO BE DRAMATIC.
But now that we are over the hump, I am DETERMINED to make the second half of 2014: The Dumbest Shit Known to Man, a real winner.
I’ve started out my quest for better times with a bit of a makeover of sorts. Let’s see if you can tell what I had done.
Here’s a before shot:
And here’s an after:
Other than the fact that I’m not chin-deep in a pint glass, can you tell the difference??
I’ll give ya hint.
I had that red mole cut off.
(I didn’t say it would be a good hint.)
Yes, I went under the knife with a plastic surgeon, as women of a certain age and class do in their lives. But unlike any of the Real Housewives, I can still blink and breathe through my nose after my procedure, so take THAT LuANNE! (is she even still on there? No clue.)
So yea, I finally had it done. It’s weird, I mean, as much as I focus on my make-up and hair (basically 75% of my waking time, TBH), the mole never really bothered me, even though it has always been a pretty obvious thing. I remember in college once, I was eating at Applebee’s (because POOR) and this idiot waitress made a beeline to my high-top bar table to tell me I had ketchup on my head. Girl, no. I get ketchup on my SHIRT, not my face. I’m not an animal, FFS.
And don’t even get me started with kids. Kids LOVE pointing out the Big Red Dot. The toddler crew is always like “You got boo-boo?” “Boo-boo hurt?” “You need Band-Aid?” And since toddlers are always on repeat, I would hear this every day when I picked up Simon from preschool about 65 times.
This year, I got to experience it with Declan’s kindergarten class, and boy, let me tell you, if you have a flaw, 6-YEAR-OLDS WILL LET YOU KNOW ABOUT IT. Toughen up, Class Moms and Dads, because a class of kindergartners will dash your self-esteem for good!
A couple of his classmates would ALWAYS ask me about it, point blank. “Hey, Declan’s Mom! What’s on your head, that is super weird.” I finally told one boy it was my Power Button, which he found funny but then always wanted to push it, which meant everyone else wanted to play Poke the Grown-Up in the Face, and that is typically disruptive to the school day. So that needed to stop.
Anyway, I guess after a solid school year of being told my face was weird, I got to thinking about why I was walking around with a glob of ketchup on my head, so I figured I’d get it sliced off. It took about 15 minutes, and the plastic surgeon was nice enough to inform me that the “scar will blend right in with the other lines on my forehead,” which I think was his way of attempting an up-sale, but either way, it’s gone now.
The OTHER big makeover news is the growing out of the hair is now done and will never been seen again.
I’m really pretty angry at all of you for not stopping me at some point. Because guys? My hair has looked like a pit of despair for a good year, and none of y’all said a THING. I finally came to terms that no matter how hard I try, I’m never going to look like this:
but instead will always look like this:
So I’ve accepted my fate as being the Girl Who Looks Better with Short Hair, and I am so ok with that. You gotta know what works and what doesn’t, and my hair does best the less of it that there is. Here’s the before and after hair from last week:
So now that I’ve got a whole new look, I’m going to make sure I have a whole new OUTLOOK to go with it! I plan on making the rest of 2014 much less horrible than the first part. I hope I don’t have to keep cutting things for that to happen, though. I’m not really into that.