Oh god, it’s Pi Day again, and literally everyone is LOLing at all the pie jokes while I’m over here rolling my eyes because math jokes are not my jam. Also because I think pie is the worst, which I said on Facebook today and basically got excommunicated by all my friends. Apparently not loving pie (or cheesecake, my other nightmare) makes me “weird” or “a criminal” or “worthy of death.” Which seems extreme, but everyone has something they are passionate about, and desserts seem like a good cause, so I get it.
So I feel the need to clarify the Dessert Rules According to Christi so that you guys can quit judging me.
Look, this is going to piss some of you off and that’s fine. I can take it. But it’s the truth: cake is better. Cake is fluffy and light and has FROSTING. Pie is slimy fruit that oozes out and burns you. This is bad.
All desserts must be chocolate based.
I know this is a matter of opinion, but it’s also fact.
But what about chocolate pie?
Here’s where it gets tricky. Yes, chocolate pie is a thing, but it’s gross. Because of the texture. Chocolate pie is basically chocolate pudding on a graham cracker, which is weird. You should just dip a graham cracker in Nutella. But this brings me to my next point.
Texture is everything.
I can’t deal with squishy foods. And every single pie on earth is squishy. Exception: Derby Pie, which is basically just an under cooked chocolate chip cookie and crust.
Ok, so we get it. You hate pie. What about cheesecake?
Ugh. Cheesecake. I never get judged harder than when I say how much I hate cheesecake, especially since I’m the world’s biggest Golden Girls fan. But cheesecake, even chocolate cheesecake breaks two major rules: It’s squishy AND it contains spoiled milk. OK, maybe not actual spoiled milk, but I hate whatever it is that’s involved in giving cheesecake that spoiled milk flavor. This is also why I don’t eat flan (gag), custard (vomiting), creme brulee (dry heaving) or yogurt (faints from all the puking).
I do really wish I liked yogurt, because based on what Jamie Lee Curtis tells me, I really need it to be healthy. But I can’t indulge in fermented dairy in a cup*, even when they dress it up with M&Ms. And since most yogurt comes with fruit in it, it breaks another rule of mine, which is …
Don’t mix fruit with dairy.
I mean, that makes no sense. I like fruit on it’s own. Strawberries are delicious. But they don’t belong with milk. Strawberry milk is an abomination. Peach ice cream should be sentenced to life in prison. Lemon merengue pie is literally my own personal hell. Banana pudding must be stopped (bananas are the worst single food on earth. FACT.).
What about pudding or Jell-O?
Are you even listening? NO. Chocolate pudding is insane. Yes, it’s chocolate, but you put it in your mouth and it just sits there. #thatswhatshesaid And Jell-O? I can’t even with that nonsense. The only time Jell-O has been in my mouth is when it’s made with vodka, and even then, it’s horrible. I’ll do one shot just to fit in and I’m out. If the texture of the food doesn’t change in my mouth, it stays away from my face. This is why I didn’t eat mashed potatoes until I was 12. They come close to being a NO, but you can kinda chew them, so they work. Ice cream (chocolate-based) is fine because it melts in your mouth.
Personally, I don’t find these rules that hard to figure out. Paul says this is just my way of being quirky, but of course that is crazy. First of all, if I wanted to be quirky, why would I choose something that eliminates desserts? If I wanted to just be quirky, I would only eat desserts with a blue spoon or wear a fedora. And this is from someone who loves lemon bars, so what does he even know? So on today, Pi Day, while all of you are thinking of what slimy, disgusting, squishy, rotten food you want to eat, I’ll be enjoying something chocolaty and delicious that isn’t a crime against nature. And not doing math.
*Exception: I will bake with yogurt, and eat cream cheese or sour cream ON foods. Yes, it falls in the Rotten Milk category, but since you eat them WITH food and not alone, it passes the test.