Like many Gen Xers, when news broke that Hollywood was making a Jem and the Holograms movie, I was thrilled. And super nervous. Because Hollywood can be the worst and Jem is the best. Maybe I’m not the target audience and the fact that I have even paid attention to this may be the saddest thing ever, but this is MY CHILDHOOD they are dealing with, and I don’t take that lightly.
Jem and the Holograms came into my life like a wreaking ball. I was always #TeamBarbie, yet Jem is the anti-Barbie. Where Barbie is all femininity and WASP-ish charm, Jem was edgy and dark. Sure, Barbie could be anything she wanted, but there was no drama, no emotion, no Rio. Ken, you crotchless bastard, GTFOH. So when Jem came on the scene, I was all in.
I had over 30 Barbies and I adored them. But Jem was different. She was mysterious. She had enemies. And she had EARRINGS. Big, huge MAGICAL earrings. My god, it is my dream to have those earrings. And while no, the earrings weren’t truly magical (they were remotes for Synergy, obvs), technology wasn’t exactly my thing when I was 8, so they seemed like magic to me. WiFi wasn’t a thing then, ok?
Jem was awesome because of Jerrica, really. I mean, Jerrica is an American hero. Music producer, singer sensation, foster parent to 12, friend, sister, lover … she did it all while looking fabulous in all the latest fashion.
Barbie had a dog and clothes.
Acquiring the Jem and the Hologram dolls became a life mission for me, and being an only child, I got them. They were GREAT. My god. So much makeup. So much shimmer. So much attitude. And the BEST part? The doll came with little red earrings that actually LIT UP with a switch on the back so the transformation to Jerrica to Jem whenever I wanted. Tragedy struck, however, when one of the earrings got dislodged from Jem’s ear and ended up in her nose. It would still flash, but a lot of her allure disappeared when she went from awesome af rock star to a Rudolph lookalike. I guess I was more of a bandwagon fan after all?
Anyway, I’ve been following the news of the movie being made, and I have been hugely skeptical the entire time. The casting was boring Disney crap, with the exception of Molly Ringwald (?) and Juliette Lewis (??). But today, my greatest fears were confirmed when the theatrical trailer was released.
What is this crap.
Jerrica is a YouTube sensation? No Misfits? No Synergy? NO EARRINGS?????
These people have turned Jem and the Holograms into Barbie and the Rockers. And that is truly, truly, truly offensive.